Thinking about other people thinking: Theory of Mind

Theory of Mind is the ability to imagine what other people are thinking and feeling. And humans start to develop it around the age of 3. 

Monkeys have it, too.

The Netflix series Babies has a great experiment illustrating theory of mind. A researcher sits across from a mom with a toddler on her lap. On the table between them are two bowls: one of broccoli and one of cookies. The researcher proceeds to talk about how much she loves broccoli. A toddler who does not yet have theory of mind will look at the researcher like they are crazy and push the bowl of cookies over–because no person in their right mind could possibly *want* to eat broccoli. But a toddler who has theory of mind will tentatively push the bowl of broccoli over to the researcher because the toddler now has the basic concept that not everyone likes the same things. 

This ability to understand that everyone is different starts when we are toddlers and continues to grow and expand throughout our lives as we encounter people who are different from us. 

And it is this ability to imagine that other people might have thoughts and feelings that are not the same as ours which creates the foundation of empathy. 

Because empathy is not just *knowing* that people are different from us. It is appreciating that difference, caring about that difference, supporting that difference (as long as that difference doesn’t hurt us or others). 

Connecting with others is something that happens both through our thinking mind and through our physical body. Our brains have a type of cell called “mirror neurons” which are activated when we interact with other people. For example, mirror neurons are involved when we are watching movies: our brain perceives the events and actions on the screen as in some ways happening to us. And if we watch in a movie theater, then everyone’s heartbeats and breathing will synchronize since we are all participating in the same story. This experience is part of why we enjoy doing things in large groups–movies, concerts, organized religion–because we feel connected to the other humans around us. And we literally are connecting as our bodies respond to the engagement with other people.

Studies on communication and mirror neurons show that these parts of our brain are active when, for example, you are having lunch with a good friend or date. They take a sip of water, you take a sip. They cross their legs, you cross yours. They lean in, you lean in. This echoing of each other’s movement is the result of active mirror neurons. 

Or intentionally activated mirror neurons, as you can create this same feeling of connectedness by gently imitating another person’s behavior. 

Science has also shown a stronger correlation in face-to-face interactions between increased mirror neuron activity and feelings of empathy. Face-to-face communication has multiple pieces of information that get conveyed between the communicators: in addition to the words, you can hear their voice (which has some 15-25 distinct pieces of information) and see their body (which includes their eyes, facial expressions, posture, and gestures). Face-to-face communication provides the most information about how a person is trying to create meaning with their words. Other types of communication just don’t have as many components that shape the way we feel about what is being said.

The relationship among mirror neurons, social connection, and empathy fascinates me because of its impact on language and communication. But why do I want you to know about it?

Primarily because most of the professionals I work with perform a lot of their communication at their desk, typing away at their computers. 

And mirror neurons are not activated by your computer screen. 

When we are writing to people from the isolation of our offices and typing away on our own, we often focus too much on what we have to say and not enough on how the other person will receive it. It’s easy to get absorbed in our own thoughts and perceptions. But if you are writing to another person, then you are attempting to communicate with them. And communication is most effective when we consider the other person. That’s much easier to do when they are right in front of you. And much harder to do when you don’t know them or have never met them.

The thing is you’ve probably met someone like them. Someone who cares about similar things, someone who looks a bit like the person you imagine you are communicating to, someone who has overlapping knowledge. You can guess some of the ways the person will probably react to what you are trying to say.

And your communication will get a lot better if you imagine you are talking to that person than if you write as if you are writing for yourself. 

You *can* activate your *own* mirror neurons by visualizing the person you are writing to while you write to them. Imagine saying what you are going to say to a person. What will their face look like? How will they feel as you explain? Will they get impatient with you as you provide the entire explanation and they have to figure out what is important? Will they feel like you haven’t written enough and so you must be angry with them? Will they hear your questions as kind or sarcastic, your statements as confident or presumptuous? 

We have a lot to think about as we write. But if the purpose of our writing is to get someone else to take action in the real world (which is what most of the writing professionals do is supposed to accomplish), then we need to practice imagining writing to and for a real person on the other end who is trying to figure out from our writing how we, the writer, feel about what we are saying. And we have far fewer signals in writing than we are used to interpreting face-to-face, so it’s that much harder to guess at how people mean what they have written. 

So practice imagining your audience is at the other end of everything you write. Even if you don’t know them, imagine a person like them who you do know. How would you write to that person? What would you need to tell them? What words would you use? Practice activating your mirror neurons as you write so that your words better connect with the people who read them. 

And if you’re up for it, you can practice activating those mirror neurons on your own in other ways, too. Because the more you practice, the stronger you will get at theory of mind. 

For example, I left my house at 3am to catch my flight for Thanksgiving. I was not in a mood to listen to music or an audiobook or anything, so I just drove myself to the airport thinking quietly to myself. And because my brain wasn’t quite working and suggesting any interesting topics to think about, I started playing a game of imagining what other people in my family would be thinking about if they were driving by themselves to the airport in the middle of the night. My dad would be planning out some house project, figuring out what the specific construction steps would be, what tools would be required, and what he needed to buy at Home Depot to get started. My mom would be thinking about people, anybody and everybody she knows, and trying to figure out details about all their relationships or the most recent thing they said to her. My sister would be thinking about logistics for her two boys–what they were going to eat, what activities they had, whether she had taken care of their needs. My brother would be writing songs. Not one of them would be doing what I was doing, which is imagining what other people would be thinking in their own heads on a 3am drive, but I’m guessing anyone in my family would be able to hypothesize that if I were driving to the airport at 3am, I’d be playing a weird language and strategy game in my head. 

Because this is how we practice theory of mind. Imagine another person. What do they care about? What do they want? What motivates them? 

You can watch people at the airport and make up stories about them. It’s fun! And practical–because the greater your capacity for theory of mind, the greater your foundation for empathy. And the holidays are a key time for exercising empathy!