How to build trust in text or chat messages using punctuation, emojis, and mirroring
Over the holidays, I had a number of conversations about text messaging etiquette. Most of these conversations were friends of mine asking me to consult on their text messages with potential love interests or between first, second, and third dates.
Yes, my skills in professional communication can be extended–in some ways–into the realm of personal relationships. That’s because almost all of the communication we do (and remember, LINK TO DEC BLOG, communication is the intersection between two human minds) is about connecting (or not) and building trust with (or not) other people. Sure, how we do that professionally is a bit different from how we do it personally. The professional space is considered FORMAL because it relies on underlying FORMS for communication or cultural rules that are shared by people in the business world. The personal space is INFORMAL, meaning not formal, because we typically don’t use the same level of formality in our personal relationships.The thing is that getting to know someone on a personal level typically starts with the FORMAL rules (which I am really good at) before moving into the INFORMAL space (which is where you are all on your own.
So, what exactly are the “rules” or guidelines for texting or chatting with someone you don’t know very well? The subject matter might be different, but there are a few guidelines that are applicable to both the professional and personal spaces:
Punctuation: The only sentence(s) that can end with a period in a text or chat messages are the ones in the middle. If you write a message that has multiple sentences (and you can, but don’t make it multiple paragraphs–at least not in the beginning), then the first sentence should end with an emoji or an exclamation point. The last sentence can end with an emoji, exclamation point or nothing, but it should not end with a period.
Now, I know that some of you out there are saying, but I love grammar and I want all sentences to end with a period. I hear you. I even understand you. But your dedication to grammar is preventing you from building trust with other people.
See, in texting, hitting “Send” is the equivalent of a period. That was the end of my side of the conversation because I hit “Send”. No punctuation needed.
You aren’t a person who speaks punctuation marks in your conversation, are you? Because if you are, then we need to have an entirely different conversation (LINK TO BLOG ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SPEAKING AND WRITING)
Your new rule for messaging is that you will never end anything you write in a text with a period. Unless you are angry. And you want the other person to know that you are angry. Because that’s what ending with a period means: discussion over.
Emojis: Emojis (and by this I mean any and all visuals including gifs, reactions, and even “send with” stuff) are incredibly useful because they help add tone to written messages, which otherwise don’t have a voice, face, or body. When we speak to each other, people can see and hear how we mean the things we are saying. But writing doesn’t have all that non-verbal information to support it. It’s just words.
Emojis then create a whole new level of support to those words by offering us a non-verbal language that we can add on to our words so that the person on the other end has more information about how to interpret what we have written.
Here’s the thing though, emojis are pretty personal and have a lot of cultural variety, meaning how you use them with people you know can be *very different* from how you use them with people you don’t know.
Professionally, you are safest sticking to basic emojis like the smiley face, the thumbs up, and maybe a laughing face. You can also heart things and laugh at things, in terms of reactions. But I would avoid more complex emojis and definitely no gifs or sophisticated reactions until and unless you have gotten to know the person and understand their comfort level, humor, and writing style.
Which also applies to the personal. Keep it simple until you build up a level of trust. Yes, when you are getting to know someone personally, you want to be yourself, but also people tend to need a lot of context to understand our individual weirdnesses, so you have to slow roll those. Start with the basic emojis. If the person is responsive, you might drop a vanilla gif or a complex reaction after a few interactions (this is much more acceptable after you have met in person than before. Why? Because they have experienced your personality–emotions, energy, voice, face, body expressions in real time so they have a better ability to interpret your meaning). And if that gets a warm response, you can continue to up the weirdness more and more toward your “normal”.
As long as you continue to get positive engagement and responses, they are enjoying your messaging. If it goes cold–they don’t respond with equal weirdness or enthusiasm, which might be in terms of time, content quantity, or content quality–then you’ve gone too far.
Which brings me to the third point.
Mirroring: This strategy has to do with the fact that when we are connected with people in person, we tend to mirror their behaviors. So, when you and a friend (or person you are dating…or colleague) are having the best conversation and really connecting, your brains are actually syncing up. And this synchronization is apparent in your behavior. You’ve experienced this before: they cross their arms, you cross your arms. They lean back, you lean back. They take a drink, you take a drink. The mirroring of behavior shows that you are connected. (SECRET: You can also mirror someone’s behavior to create a feeling of connection, but don’t make it weird.)
Mirroring both shows and builds trust.
And it works as well in writing as it does in person. So, when someone writes to you, you can mirror some of their language back to them. Whatever they use as a greeting, you should use back. If they use emojis, use the same ones back. If they react to your message and then respond, you react to their message and then respond.
Mirroring their texting behavior creates trust because it assures them that their communication style is reciprocated and well-received.
The same applies to the time, content quantity, and content quality. If they take a long time to respond, take some time before you respond. If they respond immediately, then you can. If they write a long message, write a long one back. If they write 1-2 words, write 1-2 words back. And if they ask you questions, answer and make sure you ask questions back.
Imitating the other person’s texting behavior shows you are paying attention and makes them feel safe in their communication habits.
You can always change these later as you get to know each other. And if you are meeting in person, too, then the patterns can change and/or diverge much faster because you will have more information and context to interpret their writing by.
But in the beginning, the best way to show that the other person can trust you is by mirroring their patterns.